30 isn't so bad

What is the main difference between the 29 year old me and the 30 year old me? I now have a screen name and am using AOL instant messenger. It's quite fun except that I only have 5 buddies, so if anyone else in my age range IMs, feel free to send me your screen name. But really, the reason for getting AIM is because my younger sister is in Uruguay for the semester. I have to have a way to talk to her, so this was the logical choice. I'm so glad technology has come as far as it has. She is doing really well and loving South America. Hopefully, I can go and visit her during spring break...we will see.

So I was talking to my younger sister on IM and I had to tell her some bad news. The other day I went to my parents' house and my dad had just gotten out of the shower. He said that he thinks he's going to lose his hair due to the chemotherapy. I told my younger sister that, and she quickly had to get off of the IM b/c she didn't want others in the computer lab to see her cry (I think).

Why don't we let other people see us hurt? What is it that is so hard about that? When did it get engrained in our heads that hurting is bad or shameful, etc. I have been talking to so many kids lately that don't acknowledge or want to acknowledge a deep hurt that has occurred. And it's not like I have a solution for the hurt...I don't...so maybe that's it. Maybe it's because we are afraid of the feeling itself that we constantly hide it...in an attempt to hide it from ourselves. I don't know.

Thanks for reading.

Best Friends

So I'm trying to recall my best friends of the past thirty years. The first two that come to mind were friends that I had in elementary school. Chad and his family moved in across the street from my family when we lived in Stephenville. I remember we used to go to the woods near our house and jump our bikes off of the hills on some dirt trails - we would spend most of the summer doing that and going to the creek. Chad was the first person to ever tell me a dirty joke - one about a kid named Deeper. Anyway, Michael became my best friend when I was in third grade. His dad was in the military so they moved away in 6th grade. I got in trouble in 3rd grade when Michael and I decided to throw sand bombs at these two girls on the swings. Ms. Gilbert made us write 50 sentences each. I got so sick to my stomach (because of anxiety) that I had to leave school and actually went to the doctor. During my junior high years, I don't remember having anyone that I singled out as a best friend, but David, Norman, and Kun Fang (I believe that's how you spell it) come to mind. Think Revenge of the Nerds and you'll get a pretty good picture of what we were like. In high school, I met Daniel and Justin - I have never laughed so hard in my life. Daniel and I would get in trouble at church for laughing so much - sometimes it was during communion. Daniel told a hilarious story about a mentally retarded girl that would yell during communion - I'm laughing right now just thinking about it. And then came Kaci and Wes...my junior and senior year of high school - if you found one of us, you found all three of us. Of course, I left for ACU and these two started dating. I like to think that I brought them together. I remember many a late night at Wes' house watching movies. One certain movie that comes to mind is CFB IV. Kaci, if you're reading this you know what I'm talking about. When I went to ACU, I met so many really good people. I was never as cool as they were (probably still am not), but I consider Byron and Brandon my best friends from that time. Not only are they great people, but they are two guys that I greatly admire and strive to be like. Lately, here in the metroplex, I have come to know Jody and Jeff - two guys that are gracious to a fault. My life has been blessed because of their faithful friendships.

So there you have it: my history of best friends. I have been and am extremely lucky to have these people in my life. God has blessed me through their companionship and words of encouragement. Because I know these people, I have been changed for the better. Not bad for thirty years, huh?

Thanks for reading.

Almost 30

Today begins my last week of my 29th year of life. Next Tuesday, I will be 30 years old. I was thinking about all of the things that have happened to me over the last 30 years - there sure is a lot of stuff. Some of the events have been really exciting and happy; others have not. I have heard some people say that they wish they didn't have emotions so they wouldn't have to deal with the pain that life throws their way. While I can understand that way of thinking (life can be extremely painful), I choose to think that the good times make up for the pain. Also, without knowing sadness, do we really know what happiness is? Anyway, I was trying to think of my earliest recollection. Adlerian therapists believe this is hugely important and that one's earliest memory says a lot about one's personality. My earliest memory is when I was about 18 months old. My older sister and I had climbed a chest by pulling out the drawers of the chest and getting in each one. When we had gone to the second drawer, the chest had become top heavy and it fell on top of us. The edge of the top of the chest hit me on the forehead and caused quite a gash. My older sister was a little bit shaken up but OK. My memory is of my mom driving me to the hospital. I have a picture in my mind of looking up at her. She laid me down - my bleeding head on her lap - while she drove. I can see the steering wheel and see my mom in my memory. The significance that I place on that event is just that I knew my mom was taking care of me. I was going to be OK. I was scared, but I was going to be OK. It's been about 28.5 years since that happened. I get scared a lot, but I know that somehow, some way things are going to work out.

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Happy New Year

Hello people. I hope that everyone had a wonderful and safe holiday. I know that it's been a while since I have posted anything on the blog. For those of you who are wondering, a few more dates have occurred. I think that's a good thing. From one conversation that I had with a friend, I wonder if I should stop trying to fix myself. Now, I certainly can't talk for y'all, but my perception and my understanding is that when a guy (or a girl) gets to be my age, if he isn't married then there is something wrong. I'm not saying that there aren't a lot of things wrong with me - I could talk about issues that I have for hours - but I think I'm going to try to take the advice of one friend and try to stop thinking about making myself better (a sort of selfish approach to things) and just focus on trying to live more like God would have me to live. I am still searching for happiness. Don't get me wrong - I think I'm a lot happier today than I was five years ago, and it's not like I'm in the depths of depression (at least not that I'm aware of). But see, if I constantly try to improve my life by getting my degree, getting a better job, making more money, etc. then to an extent all I'm doing is thinking about myself rather than focusing on things above. I guess I haven't quite gotten the hang of balancing those two things. Should there even be a balancing act? Shouldn't I do everything with God in mind? Oh there are so many things that I'm struggling with right now - being kind, not judging others, being a good worker, keeping a pure mind - sometimes it just seems like too much to handle. Alright I've gone on long enough - I've got thoughts on sin, love, and a whole lot of other things, but if I wrote them here then I would feel like I was doing that whole selfish thing that I wrote about at the beginning of the post. I need to go to sleep. I hope the voices in my head let me.

Thanks for reading.