I don't think this will be very long

I'm a perfectionist...and not in the sense that most people think. In my heart of hearts, way deep down inside, at my core (yes, that deeply), I hold a belief that I have to be perfect. Have you ever wondered why I dress or do things like I do? I wish I could say that's it's because of pride in myself and because I'm a giving person, but I know that one of the main reasons is that because if I don't "appear" perfect or I don't do things better than everyone else, I think I won't be accepted, approved of, loved, whatever. I've been thinking a lot about this lately, and I believe two things have contributed significantly to my way of being: school and church. In school, I was constantly praised for doing well and praised more for being the best. In church, I heard that to get to heaven, God wanted me to do the best that I could and lead a Godly life. In the former, being average wasn't praised. In the latter, being sinful wasn't explained. I know these are all perceptions that are completely mine - I own them. But it's how I live. It's a hard life and I'm really wanting to get a hold of it, but that's not easy. How do I know that if I do something for someone else, I'm really doing it for them and not so that they will like me in return? How can I be more genuine with people? I'm going to stop now because I think I'm rambling. I told you it wasn't going to be that long.

Thanks for reading.